Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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