your thong is hanging out like whoa
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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