your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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