He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
