I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
