god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
