i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
