Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
