Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
