While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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