When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
