6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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