At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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