I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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