I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
