don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
