Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
