Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I deserve this hangover.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
