If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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