I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
