i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
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