I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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