I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
