im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
