Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
