He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
