I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
