Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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