My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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