She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
