Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
