Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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