I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm too high and old for this...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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