barbara walters just said penis...
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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