I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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