Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
