I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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