i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
