I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Four minutes until I can fart!
Why is your signature on my underwear?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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