How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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