Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
