and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
