Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you will always have a special place in my vag
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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