Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
