someone threw a dead crab at me
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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