3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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