You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
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