Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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