I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize