I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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