I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
