I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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