I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
