Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
