i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
