Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
