Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
