my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
